Just what did they witness Jehovah DOING?

Dear Readers:

I'm sorry I haven't updated lately, but - oh, who am I kidding? Nobody reads this shit anyway. Here, I'll start again...

Dear Imaginary Readers:

I'm sorry I haven't updated lately. Were it not for the crushing apathy and cynicism that have choked my talent like a Japanese whore in a bukkake film, your imaginary minds would no doubt be filled with the witticism and wholesome morality that comes from the stories and comics I so dutifully provide. Anyway, to make it up to you, I'm going to tell you about my day. Or, depending on how you look at it, punish you with anecdotes about my dull, unfunny day. Personally I'm a glass half full kind of guy. At any rate, here it goes:

My day began at 10:22AM. I was awoken not by the shrill scream of my alarm clock nor by the crushing weight of my impatient dog, but by a series of loud, purposeful knocks on the door. I immediately jumped out of bed, forgetting that I wasn't wearing any pants, because by the intensity of the knocking I could only assume that it was Iron Man himself coming to visit me.

No Iron Man, though. Instead, I got a group of Jehovah's Witnesses - three woefully overdressed Christians, lead by a rotund old black woman in the centre, flanked on her right by a small, sniveling, slightly balding man and a fourteenish-looking boy to her left. Both of them looked terribly dead inside, their spirits completely broken like an army recruit or a circus bear forced to leap through flaming hoops day after day. Written all over their faces was 'KILL ME!', and it was immediately apparent that Fat Black Lady was the alpha female of the group.

"Good morning," she said with a smile that could give Judas Iscariot a run for his money, "Jesus Jesus blah blarg Jehovah blarg the gays are invading blah blarg. Is your mother here?"

"No," I replied as a gust of wind alerted me to the fact that I was not wearing any pants. Fortunately they didn't make a point of it, so I continued, "she's at the store. Hey, you know-"

I stopped. Just as I was about to offer Fat Black Lady (hereby known as FBA) my counter-preach about the virtues of Great Cthulhu, it dawned upon me: I've seen this woman before! She was a relative of one of my mother's friends. As fear of punishment crept into my bones, I stifled the intense desire to throw as many snarky remarks at FBA as I could think of. Now, I know what you're thinking, Imaginary Reader. You're thinking, "Marlon you pussy! You could have at least taken a FEW shots at her, it's not like your mom would find out any time soon." Ah, but that's where you're wrong, imaginary reader! My mother has networking skills that put MySpace to shame. She'd have known, and I would have got the sneer of disappointment. Since the sneer is to me as water is to the Wicked Witch of the West, I calmed my inner jerk and politely requested that the FBA and her slaves come back another time, which she agreed to do, although not before leaving me some fireplace kindling in the form of back issues of The Watchtower.

You know, it has just occured to me that Christians like her must be the number one source of deforestation in all the world, what with their constant printing of Bibles and pamphlets. It has been subsequently theorised that Atheists like me must be the number one source of CO2-induced atmospheric thinning in all the world, what with my constant burning of the Bibles and pamphlets that Christians unload on you like old people unload candy corn to Trick-or-Treaters on Halloween.




PS: The new Iced Earth album (Framing Armageddon - Something Wicked Part One) is really good. It releases on September 11 in the United States, and I very much encourage you to go buy it if you're into (power) metal. The observant among you will, of course, notice that this entry is dated September Ninth, and that I live in the United States. While this may seem like a tactit endorsement for illegal file-sharing, what it REALLY means is that I took a plane to Germany two days ago to buy the CD there since the European release dates are earlier. Yes. That's what it means.